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FIRST 26
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What did the penis say to the vagina? Don't make me cum in there.
What's the difference between balls
and a pussy? the harder the pussy, the more balls you need.
What's the difference between parsley
and pussy? Nobody eats parsley.
What's the smallest hotel known to
man? A pussy. Because you
leave your bags outside!
What if the Pilgrims had killed
bobcats instead of turkeys? We'd be eating pussy every Thanksgiving.
What's the difference between a
clitoris and a vagina? a clitoris needs to be licked fingered an
Palmed, but a vagina only needs to
be pounded.
Real men don't wear pink, they
eat it.
What's the difference between a big
cat and a little cat? A big cat can scratch hell out of you, but a little pussy never hurt anybody!
Why do people say "Grow some
balls" balls are so weak & sensitive you ought to say "Grow a
vagina" those things really take
a pounding.
A vagina is like the weather. Once its wet, it's time to go inside
Cheating is not an accident. Falling
off a bike is an accident... You don't just trip and fall into a vagina.
A "busy beaver" sounds
like a derogatory term for a sexually promiscuous woman
The bacteria found in yogurt is the same one found in a vagina.
If there are two potheads in the back of a car, then who is
driving? The cop!
If money dosnt grow on trees why do banks have branches?
How do you rape a camel? One
hump at a time.
Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs? He
doesn't want anyone knowing he's been fucking the chickens!
What's the difference between a hair stylist and a nail
stylist? One does hand jobs and one does
blow jobs!
Who does anal? Assholes.
My boyfriend went to bed naked. I
think he has a boner to pick with me.
If you were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to
sex, would it be safe to say that your addiction got out of
hand?
What do a penis and a Rubik's Cubes have in common? The
more you play with it, the harder it gets.
What’s a good way to masturbate??? Get
somebody to do it for you
I’d make a masturbation joke. But
they always get out of hand.
A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his
neighbor's an asshole, his
best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
I would tell you a penis joke… But
I don’t want to come across as cocky.
NEXT 26
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
What do you call a family that grows Marijuana in their backyard? A Joint Family.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage.
Why don't you see any pot heads in elementary school? Because they're all in HIGH school
Whats long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber
What did the stoner at the party say before the cops came? Let's blow this joint.
Why don't stoners get into arguments? Because they take the high road.
Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?
Who was the worlds first carpenter? Eve, because she made Adams banana stand
If a dove is the "bird of peace" then what's the bird of "true love"? The swallow.
What's the difference between being hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber.
If I had a donkey and you had a chicken and if my donkey ate your chicken what will we have? Three feet of you cock up my ass.
Why does no one die a virgin? Cause life fucks us all.
What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me!
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Why is being in the military like a blow-job? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
What did the bra say to the hat? You go on a head while I give these two a lift!
What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? I want you inside me!
What did the letter O say to Q? Dude, your dick is hanging out
What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up your family tree. A gynecologist looks up your family bush.
The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.
A PENIS is the lightest thing in the world. Even a thought can raise it.
The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.
Two nuns are painting an office at the rectory on a hot summer day. One says to the other, we should take off our habits so as to not get paint on them. So both nuns are painting the room in the nude when they hear a knock on the door. Flustered, one says, "Who is it?" followed by a man's voice saying, "Blind man." Figuring the man wouldn't see anything, they open the door. The man walks in and says, "Nice tits ladies. Now, where do you want me to install these blinds?"
His wife gave him a handjob the other day using Vaseline. He came three times trying to wash that shit off.
His girlfriend thought he'd be a pushover in bed, and wouldn't you know it, she had him pegged from the start.
NEXT 26
The stork is the bird that brings the baby, but a swallow's the one to prevent it.
My mom told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, 'Can I have a new bike?' He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."
Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.
How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.
A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time, I could have dinner with my parents.
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
A woman asked her friend, "Why is your husband so punctual when returning home from work?" The friend replied, "I made a simple rule: Sex will begin at 7 pm sharp, whether he is there or not."
I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 19 brothers and sisters, and they didn’t know either.
What did the left nut say to the right nut? Don't talk to the guy in the middle; he's a real dick!
When should condoms be used? Every conceivable occasion.
I'm not sure how I feel about masturbation, but on the one hand, it feels pretty great!
What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts."
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask directions.
What’s the difference between Covid and your legs? I don’t want Covid to spread.
What did the left leg say to the right leg? “Don’t talk to the guy in the middle, he’s a dick!”
DIRECT
This SEX GUIDE collection is a truly **certified Gold **
Be civil on the streets and a freak between the sheets.
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DICK COMMENTS
I’m…so…dam…horny right now…I…wish…I…had…you…inside…me
That does it, Take me right here
Look at that thing, Give me every last drop
Seeing that dick I just feel like you should Punish me!
From now Your cock belongs to me
Oh my God, from now on my pussy is yours, whenever you want it.
I want to feel that cock twitch inside me.
Piston 101….no doubt that thing can do some damage
I just feel like it is just right for me to have that shlong all to myself. I want you right inside me!
That dick truly makes me horny and bothered!
My comment will be more like a wish I wish I can wake up with you every morning and have you inside me mmmmm it will be so good mmmmmm
Wish I could be close to you, could relieve your pressure, and not waste a drop
Thanks for the heads up.
I took a few screenshots for myself. You have a lovely looking dick there.
******
**************************
Reminds me of a story i read at *tichaz .com*
*Three mice are sitting in a bar, when one looks at the other two and says "I bet I'm tougher than both of you pussies."
The other two mice say, "Oh yeah? Prove it"
The first mouse goes and puts rat poison on the bar, breaks it up and snorts it, and looks at the other two.
The second mouse says "That isn't so fucking tough." He goes to the entrance of the bar and pulls in a rat trap, springs it and catches it in his teeth.
The third mouse looks at the other two slams his drink to the bar and starts to leave, the other two mice look at him and say "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse says "I'm going to go home and fuck the cat"
Old Boat
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.
Letter Home From School
Ebaum Published 05/12/2007
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
The Reply:
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
The geography of a woman.
Between 18 & 22 a woman is like Africa… Half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 23 & 30 a woman is like America… Well developed & open to trade, especially for high financed investors.
Between 31 & 45 a woman is like India… Very hot, relaxed& convinced of her own beauty.
Between 46 & 55 a woman is like France… Gently ageing but sensual, with an appreciation for the finer things.
Between 56 & 60 she is like Yugoslavia… Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes & in need of massive reconstruction.
From 61 on, a woman is like Afghanistan… Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The geography of a man.
Between 15 and 80 a man is like Cuba… Ruled by a dick.
***************************************
A woman got approached in a bar and this drunk dude kept trying to pick her up.
She turned to order another drink, dude whipped out his junk and actually tried the " bet you've never seen one like this before " line.
She laughed her ass off and just said " I am a lawyer, not a secretary, I prefer long legal papers. Not short handed memos"
LIST 4 - MALES TPI
POSTS
Premature Ejaculation,,,
A man was having a problem with premature ejaculation, so he went to the doctor.
The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.
That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went.
The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."
**********************
I here attest to that confirmation, and second that motion. I also move to request it be recorded, and made officially official, that no human, not any of noble birth, nor the peasant , SHALT BE CLUMSY DURING COITUS. As of now and till the end of time. Let it be recorded into the annals of this book collection.
Let Aphrodite be thy witness!
Magic is the manipulation of energy. Any civilizations that advance beyond different points in the technological ability will eventually be considered a witch or wizard. Right now, a lot of people have the ability to move their fingers along a piece of glass and cause it to send electrical energy spirally through an inanimate object before triggering a display granting them information from all across the world. Which, ironically, means that we are all witches and wizards by the standards of our ancestors.
You're a witch or wizard
What did the penis say to the vagina? Don't make me cum in there
What's the difference between parsley and pussy? Nobody eats parsley.
What's the smallest hotel known to man? A pussy. Because you leave yourbags outside!
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