More Jokes!!!

 

The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.

 One day a man wakes up and finds out he has 3 balls

He decides to go see a doctor but was a little embarrassed to address his problem so he says...

MAN: Hey Doc, between you and me we have 5 balls.

The doctor, extremely baffled by this jumps off his chair and says...

DOC: WHATTTT ?!!?!! You have no balls?

A couple was watching an African tribe documentary. They discovered that when a male member of this tribe reaches a certain age, he receives a string with a  weight attached to it that was tied around his penis. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 20 inches in length.

Later that evening, as the man popped up from the shower, his wife suggested, “Let’s try the African string and weight technique, honey.” The husband agreed, and they attached a weighted string to his penis. “How is our little experiment coming along?” the wife inquired a few days later. “Well, it looks like we’re about halfway there,” the husband replied.

 

The impressed wife said, “You mean it’s already grown to 10 inches?”

 

“No”, the husband replied. “It’s turning black.”

 

Did you hear about the guy with the invisible penis?

 

He came out of nowhere.

 

What’s the difference between olive oil and virgin olive oil?

 

Popeye’s dick.

 

Three men are debating which of their wives is the most stupid.

 

The first says, “My wife spent $10,000 on a kitchen and she can’t even cook!”

 

The second says, “Yeah, mine paid $20,000 for a car – and she can’t drive!”

 

The third says, “That’s it? Mine bought 128 condoms for a business trip despite the fact that she doesn’t even have a penis!”

 

What do you get when you cross a penis, a potato and a boat?

 

A Dictater.

 

Elephant: Why are your breasts on your back?

 

Camel: That’s a strange query from someone with a penis on his face.

 

Recommended: Boob Jokes

 

How is homework like a penis?

 

It is long and hard unless you’re Asian.

 

What did the left leg say to the right leg?

 

“Don’t talk to the guy in the middle, he’s a dick!”

 

A professor arranges a spot quiz for his physiology class.

 

“What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?” he asks. He chooses a rather overdressed girl from the front row to respond. “Dear Miss Callahan!” “Professor, I’d rather not answer that question,” stammers the girl, who heard the question.

 

The professor says, “That’s fine, Miss Callahan; you don’t have to respond. Is there anyone here who can provide an answer?” He notices a curious expression in the back of the classroom. “Mr Hawkins.”

 

Yes, Professor,” Hawkins says, “it is the pupil of the eye that expands to ten times its normal size during times of emotion and excitement.” “That is correct, Mr Hawkins,” the professor says.

 

He then looks at Miss Callahan. “Young lady, two things are clear from your reaction to this question,” he says. One, you haven’t completed this week’s assignment; and two, I’m afraid marriage will be a huge disappointment to you.”

 

Why do snakes have no balls?

 

Cause they would look like dicks.

 

What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?

 

Fucks funny.

 

A husband went to his doctor’s office the other day and discovered that his new doctor is a young female who is absolutely stunning.

 

“Don’t worry, I’m a professional,” she said, despite his embarrassment. “I have seen them all. Just let me know what’s wrong and I’ll look into it.”

 

The husband said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny.”

 

What do you call it when a man has a crocodile for a penis?

 

A-reptile-dysfunction.

 

Wanna know why your dad’s dick is worth one trillion dollars?

 

Because it’s Microsoft.

 

Recommended: Porn Jokes

 

A tidal wave hits a cruise ship carrying three couples, two straight and one gay. The ship sinks, and they all drown and end up in front of St. Peter.

 

The first straight couple goes up to St. Peter and asks, “Can we enter heaven?”

 

St. Peter responds “Sir, you are a glutton! You’ve always preferred food to anything else. You are so passionate about food that you married Candy!” They are dragged away to Hell in a puff of smoke.

 

The second straight couple goes up to St. Peter and asks, “Can we enter heaven?”

 

St. Peter responds, “You are greedy, sir! Money has always been your greatest passion. You are so obsessed with money that you married a woman named Penny!” They are escorted to Hell in a puff of smoke.

 

At this point, one of the gay guys leans over to his partner and whispers “It’s not looking good, Dick.”

 

What do you call a dinosaur’s penis?

 

Megalodong.

 

You have a green ball in your right hand, and a green ball in your left hand. What do you have?

 

Hulk’s dick in your mouth.

 

The geography of a woman.

 

Between 18 & 22 a woman is like Africa… Half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

 

Between 23 & 30 a woman is like America… Well developed & open to trade, especially for high financed investors.

 

Between 31 & 45 a woman is like India… Very hot, relaxed& convinced of her own beauty.

 

Between 46 & 55 a woman is like France… Gently ageing but sensual, with an appreciation for the finer things.

 

Between 56 & 60 she is like Yugoslavia… Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes & in need of massive reconstruction.

 

From 61 on, a woman is like Afghanistan… Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

 

The geography of a man.

 

Between 15 and 80 a man is like Cuba… Ruled by a dick.

 

What do a Rubik’s Cube and a penis have in common?

 

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

 

What did capital O say to capital Q?

 

Zip up your fly, your dick is sticking out.

 

A couple who have been married for a few years decide to seek the advice of a marriage counsellor in order to resolve their issues. “Tell me something you two have in common,” the marriage counsellor begins by asking the couple.

 

“Well, neither of us sucks dick,” the husband quickly responds.

 

What do you call a penis that disappears?

 

A Magic Johnson.

 

What’s the difference between your dick and a mortar cannon?

 

A mortar cannon doesn’t need medication to point upwards.

 

Three guys learn that they only have three weeks to live. They realise they have nothing to show for their lives and decide to attempt to enter the Guinness Book of World Records. “I have pretty long arms, maybe the longest arms in the world!” says the first guy. “I have a big chest, maybe the biggest chest in the world!” says the second guy. “I have a small dick, maybe the smallest dick in the world!” says the third guy. So they each submit their applications to the headquarters of the Guinness Book of World Records.

 

A week later, the book is released, and everyone gathers to see the results. The first man opens the book and declares, “Take a look! I have the world’s longest arms!” The second man looks around and says “Wow! I can’t believe I have the world’s largest chest!”

 

And the third guy looks and says, “…Who the fuck is [insert name of anyone with whom sharing the joke]?!”

 

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?

 

100 people who don’t do dick.

 

Recommended: Lesbian Puns

 

Why do lesbians shop at Cabelas?

 

Because they hate Dick’s.

 

A young girl and her mother are riding down the highway.

 

When a dildo falls off the truck in front of them and smashes into the windshield.

 

“Mommy, what was that?”, the little girl inquires.

 

Because she does not want her child to be revealed to sex, the mother responds, “It was just a bug, honey.”

 

The little girl sits quietly, before exclaiming, “It sure had a big dick.”

 

What did the uncircumcised penis say to the insurance salesman?

 

“I’m already covered.”

 

What’s the difference between a dick and an asshole?

 

Nothing – little shits come out of both.

 

A college professor became aware that one of his students, Elijah, was attracting a lot of female attention.

 

So one day he approaches Elijah and inquires about his secret. “Well, before making love, I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table like a hammer; it numbs it up and makes me last longer,” Elijah responds.

 

Later that day, the professor returns home to find his wife in the shower, providing a welcome opportunity for making love. So he quickly undresses and bangs his dick against the dresser, just as his wife calls from the shower:

 

“Elijah, is that you?”

 

What did the penis say to the condom?

 

Cover me, I’m going in.

 

What do you call a sad erect penis?

 

Mourning wood.

 

Recommended: Blowjob Jokes

 

A hunter kills a deer while out hunting.

 

He brings it home to his family and cooks it without telling his children what it is. “I’ll give you a hint, it’s what your mother calls me,” he said.

 

“It’s a fucking dick, don’t eat it!” exclaims the youngest son.

 

What kind of penis does Frankenstein have?

 

A hallow weenie.

 

Why don’t you poop out of your penis?

 

Because then it would be called a poonis.

 

Dave began a new job. “Hello, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky,” his boss said. “My name is Dave, but people call me Dick,” Dave replied.

 

She said, “How do you get Dick from Dave?”

 

Dave replied, “You just ask nicely.”

 

What does the Frenchman with a small penis say at dinner?

 

Boner petit.

 

What do you call a lie about penis size?

 

A phallusy.

 

A man walks into a bar. He notices a jar filled with twenty-dollar bills. He inquires of the bartender as to its purpose.

 

“Behind the bar, I have a horse in the stable. You put down $20 and try to make my horse laugh. If you make him laugh, you get the entire jar; if you don’t, you lose $20.”

 

So the guy puts in twenty dollars, walks to the stable, and a minute later the horse is laughing uncontrollably. Guy returns to the bar and, without saying anything to the stunned bartender, takes the jar of twenties and walks away.

 

A year later, the same guy returns to the bar and notices another jar full of twenty-dollar bills. He inquires of the bartender as to its purpose this time.

 

“My damn horse hasn’t stopped laughing since you came in here last year. You put in $20, and if you can get him to stop laughing, the jar is yours.”

 

The man puts in another twenty dollars and proceeds to the stable. A minute later, there was complete silence. The horse made no sound. Guy returns and picks up the jar. As he prepares to leave, the bartender says, “Hold on a second. You have to tell me how you made my horse laugh and stop laughing when no one else could.”

 

The guy says, “The first time I told your horse that my dick is bigger than his. The second time I proved it.”

 

What do you call a half-erect penis wearing a tuxedo?

 

A semi formal.

 

What is similar in the words Election and Erection?

 

Both are almost spelt the same and mean a dick rising to power.

 

Recommended: Election Jokes

 

Three friends bet $100 on who could make their wife scream the loudest from making love.

 

The first one said the next day, “I made love to my wife for two hours and she screamed for at least an hour and a half!” The second one said that he licked his wife for two hours and she screamed the entire time plus a half hour after that. The third person says, “That is nothing. I made love to my wife for ten minutes, came a few times then wiped my dick in the curtain, and she’s still screaming!”

 

Did you hear about a random message from a lad asking to meet in the woods to compare penis sizes?

 

Weirdo didn’t even show up.

 

What do you call a clown’s penis?

 

His funny bone.

 

A man is on his honeymoon and has decided to get a tattoo to show his love for his wife. He visits a tattoo parlour and requests that her name be tattooed on his penis. “What is her name?” inquires the artist. He exclaims, “Wendy!” “Okay. You’ll have to work hard and stay hard for me to fit that on your lit… I mean fit that all in.” The man does what he is asked. He then returns home to show his fiancée. When he takes it out, it’s soft and only says “Wy.” He explains what is going on, and she is impressed.

 

So they get married and go on their honeymoon to Jamaica. On vacation, the man finds himself in a urinal next to a local. He looks down and notices the word “Wy” tattooed on the local’s dick. “Does your wife have the same Wendy too?”

 

“No mon.. It says Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day.”

 

What’s the best treatment for chlamydia?

 

Penis-cilin.

 

What’s the most irritable penis you can name?

 

The grum-penis.

 

“Did Santa get you that?” a cop on a horse asks a little girl on a bike.

 

“Yes,” the little girl says.

 

“Well, tell him next year to put a reflector light on it!” says the cop and fines her $5.

 

“Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?” the little girl says, looking up at the cop.

 

“He sure did!” says the cop, laughing.

 

“Well,” says the little girl, “Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!”

 

What do you call a girl with a penis?

 

Amanda.

 

What do you call a floating penis?

 

 

 

How is wearing crocs like getting your dick sucked by a man?  

Feels great and then you look down and realize you’re gay.

 

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I mean, I’d never say the words, “this is the big deal” but…  (;)   www.tichaz.com

This is masturbation is like for guys: picture a man who is naked chasing a HORRIFIED sheep!

Wisdom of the day when you want to get laid – acting like a DICK won’t make your own DICK any BIGGER!

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A priest and a nun are traveling across the desert on a camel and when all the sudden the camel dies. They’re in the middle of the desert with no hope of rescue when that night the priest thinks to himself that he can’t die a virgin. He looks over at the nun and pulls out his penis. 

The nun says father what is that? He says this sister is the wand of life. The nun says good, now go stick it in that camels ass and let’s get the hell outa here!

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• Perfecting Manual & Oral Sex on Her: Download All 8 Guides in PDF & EPUB

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I think I enjoy the rodeo position the most

Its where you get your girl down on all fours and mount her from behind then you reach around cup her tits and whisper in her ear.

"Boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters."

then you try and hold onto 30 seconds.

Jokes aside here are today's must read sex guides

• Perfecting Manual & Oral Sex on Her: Download All 8 Guides in PDF & EPUB

MEN! Download the whole sex guide collection in PDF & EPUB here

WOMEN! Download the whole sex guide collection in PDF & EPUB here

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• 51 Adult Comics; Download All in PDFs

********************

There were two statues in a park, one of a naked man, and one of a naked woman. They had been facing each other for a hundred years across a pathway, when one day an angel comes down, and with a single gesture brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, lets! But lets change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head."

Jokes aside here are today's must read sex guides

• Perfecting Manual & Oral Sex on Her: Download All 8 Guides in PDF & EPUB

MEN! Download the whole sex guide collection in PDF & EPUB here

WOMEN! Download the whole sex guide collection in PDF & EPUB here

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********************

First Impressions

A young teenage couple have been dating for a little while, so the girl says to the boy that she wants him to meet her parents. He is a little skeptical at this, but she tells him that if he can make a good impression with them that she will reward him with sex.

Extremely excited at the prospect of losing his virginity, the boy rushes to the local pharmacy to get some protection. However, he is a little embarrassed and unsure of himself. The pharmacist at the counter notices this and walks over to see if he can help. "First time?" the pharmacist guesses. The boy nods sheepishly. So the pharmacist gives him the basics on picking condoms. The boy thanks him, buys some, and leaves.

Finally, the big night arrives and the boy arrives at the girl's house. As the couple and the girl's parents sit down for dinner, they all bow their heads to say grace over the meal. Afterwards, they all look up to start eating, except for the boy, who still has his head bowed in prayer. Respectfully, the girl and her parents sit quietly as he continues praying to himself. After about 5 minutes pass, the girl leans over and whispers to him, "I never knew you were so religious!" He looks up at her and whispers back, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!"

Jokes aside here are today's must read sex guides

• Perfecting Manual & Oral Sex on Her: Download All 8 Guides in PDF & EPUB

MEN! Download the whole sex guide collection in PDF & EPUB here

WOMEN! Download the whole sex guide collection in PDF & EPUB here

COUPLES! Download the whole sex guide collection in PDF & EPUB here

• 51 Adult Comics; Download All in PDFs

********************

A guy is bored of sex with his wife

* Friend: But whats wrong then? Why are you bored?

* Man: I just don't know man, it's not there anymore.

* Friend: Did you already try to spice things up and be a little creative?

* Man: Creative, what are you talking about?

* Friend: Well, we like to get into role playing and play doctor for an hour. Works every time.

* Man: A whole hour?!? How do you keep that up?

* Friend: First I leave her in the waiting room for about 45 minutes.

Jokes aside here are today's must read sex guides

• Perfecting Manual & Oral Sex on Her: Download All 8 Guides in PDF & EPUB

MEN! Download the whole sex guide collection in PDF & EPUB here

WOMEN! Download the whole sex guide collection in PDF & EPUB here

COUPLES! Download the whole sex guide collection in PDF & EPUB here

• 51 Adult Comics; Download All in PDFs

********************

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Ultimate Sexual Stamina Program

 I called the premature ejaculation support group to find out what the dress code was. Apparently, most members just come in their pants.

Premature ejaculator: Seeks young attractive woman for a fling, Must have large tits, big lips and a tight arse, and....aaaaaw, fuck sake, never mind!!!!!!

So there's this guy with a premature ejaculation problem. And he just comes out of nowhere

Why wasn’t the premature ejaculator in the office? He got off early

A premature ejaulator went to a dinner party. He didn't know what to wear, so he just came in his pants

Doctors that specialize in premature ejaculation are in high demand. So you need to come early.

Confucius say: Man with severe premature ejaculation may cum in handy

What do premature ejaculators and hide and seek have in common? Ready or not, here I come

India has a god for almost everything- except premature ejaculation. But it’s coming soon.

I was asked to speak at a club for helping people with premature ejaculation. I asked what I should wear to the speech: They told me I could just come in my pants

I just read an article about premature ejaculation during masturbation. It might come in handy.

I told a joke about premature ejaculation, but nobody laughed. ...What, too soon?

They had to change the meeting time for the premature ejaculators' support group. Everyone kept coming too early.

What does a premature ejaculator and a blind man have in common? They never see it coming

I opened a club for premature ejaculators. It didn't last long.

A sex therapist arrives at his premature ejaculation clinic and finds a single patient waiting for him. What does the therapist say? "You're early"

It's hard to keep a girlfriend when you suffer from premature ejaculation. Easy cum, easy ghost.

One time I took a client who suffered from premature ejaculation to a brothel to work on his stamina. He blew it.

I went to a conference on premature ejaculation the other week... Got there 5 minutes early but the conference had already finished.

It makes sense why women hate premature ejaculation so much. Our whole lives we're taught that nothing worth having comes easy.

The doctor asked him how bad his premature ejaculation condition was...He said, "I'm going to be honest doc, it's touch and go."

Have you heard of the guy who prematurely ejaculates? It's his only shortcoming

I missed the holiday for premature ejaculators this year. I think it came early.

He ordered a book online about premature ejaculation. It came in his email.

I'm done, this is my last ever cum joke. Premature or not, I've created millions of these and none of them stick.

I was nervous no one would come to the Premature Ejaculation Anonymous meeting...Luckily, everyone came earlier than expected!

His new girlfriend just found out he suffers from premature ejaculation. She took it on the chin though.

He told the job interviewer he had premature ejaculation. Apparently that's not what he meant by 'shortcomings'

My premature ejaculation sufferers support meetings are going so well. They decided to stop coming.

He was listening to the radio the other day and an ad came on: “Do you suffer from premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction?” And he thought to himself, “No but my girlfriend probably does.”

Medical science still does not have a cure for premature ejaculation. But researchers say it's coming quickly.

What do you call a military man's premature ejaculation? A dishonorable discharge.

I’m hosting a premature ejaculation charity event tonight. It starts at 7:30 but feel free to come early.

Why is a small cruise ship like a guy suffering from premature ejaculation? Both of them only need a couple of tugs.

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Female Orgasm 101

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask directions.

What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.

Guys! Give your ladies an Australian kiss. It's the same as a French kiss, but down under.

Are you a Nice girl or Good girl?: NICE girls blush when they watch porn, GOOD girls smile cause they know they can do better.

Damn, look at that! Ahh why is it that IT guys here can't keep girlfriends though? They turn them all off and on again.

So I am going to just cum out and say it,  my boyfriend  caught me  masturbating with a carrot. His first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!”

Ahh memories! This just came to mind right now. Way back when I was inexperienced performing oral sex for the first time. I asked, "Am I doing it right?" To which he replied, "Not if you're talking."

Looks delicious just like a grapefruit! How is a pussy like a grapefruit though? The best ones squirt when you eat them

This reminds me of what Adam could have said to Eve the first time they had sex:  Stand back, I'm not sure how much bigger it'll get!

That pussy though entails a quick announcement: brought to you by Charles Darwin: Women might have evolved to stay with partners who eat pussy

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob.

What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum!

Instead of "Who's your mommy" I accidentally said, "How's your mommy" and we put our clothes back on and started discussing his mom's breast cancer.

 Why do women prefer old gynecologists? Their shaky hands!

Condoms? Hah! Those are for pussies!

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

A woman just asked me if I like thighs or breasts. Told her I like a nicely curved dick . Apparently, this isn't an appropriate answer at KFC.

 Would masturbating while smoking weed be considered masturblazing, weedwhacking, or highjacking?

Why won't most women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?? One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself.. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.

Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life...

What’s a Mormon’s favorite coitus position? You’d probably think it’s missionary, but I’m pretty sure they’d try the back door if they had the chance.

What is a revolution in the world of love-making? Going from missionary to doggy in the same session.

Why do Jewish men get circumcised? Because Jewish women won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off.

What does Pinocchio's lover say to him? "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

 

One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what “bitch” and “bastard” mean. They explained that they mean “lady” and “gentleman.”

The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked what “pen*s” and “vag*na” mean. His parents explained that they refer to “hats” and “coats.”

At supper the next day, Little Johnny’s mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled,”Oh f**k!” Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means “cut.”

A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, “Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your pen*ses and vag*nas — we can’t wait to f**k the turkey!”

The following add in the Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls

“Single female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.

I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play.

I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.

Rub me the right way and watch me respond.

I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.

Kiss me and I’m yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.”

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight week-old Labrador retriever.

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”

Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having s*x. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.

“What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarrassed to tell her little girl about s*x so she makes up an answer.

“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”

The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl replies, “Because mommy, every time you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt… Damn mosquito!!!

Teacher and her 3 boy students:

Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”

Boy 1: “I saw a strap of your bra.”

Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one week.”

Boy 2 laughed…

Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”

Boy 2: “I saw your bra straps.”

Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one month.”

Teacher bent down to pickup a chalk. Boy 3 started walking out of the class…

Teacher: “Why are you leaving?”

Boy 3: “I think my school days are over.”

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man, “Where did you get such a big lighter?”

The man replies,”See that man playing piano over there? He’s a genie and he’ll grant you one wish.”

So the guy walks over to the genie and says, “I wish for a million bucks.” All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, “That genie is a little hard of hearing isn’t he.”

The guy replies, “No kidding! You think I asked for a 14 inch Bic!”

A little boy goes to school but bringing in a cat with him. Teacher asks him “why did you bring your cat to school?”

The little boy replies, “Well, I heard my daddy telling mommy when the kids leave I’m gonna eat that pu**y up.”

Girl: Baby I am wet.

Boy: Want a paper towel?

Girl: No, I want more than that 😉

Boy: Want 2 paper towels?

Girl: No, baby I want sumthing big and round 😉

Boy: Damn you want the whole roll?

Mom: If a boy touches your b**bs, say “Don’t” and if he touches your pu**y say “Stop”.

Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said “Don’t Stop”.

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. The cashier asks, “Do you want a bag?”

The guy says, “No. She’s not that ugly.”

Boy: Let’s play the firetruck game.

Girl: How do we play?

Boy: I run my fingers up your leg, and you say “Redlight” when you want me to stop.

Girl: Okay 🙂

*Few seconds later*

Girl: Redlight!!!

Boy: Firetrucks don’t stop for redlights 😉

Guy: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.

Guy: Do they swell?

Girl: No. They spread.

Q: Who makes more money… a hooker? or a drug dealer?

A: A hooker, because she can wash her crack and sell it again.

Two men were shipwrecked on an island. They decided to venture inland to see if they could find someone. The men came across a village in the middle of a jungle, immediately they were surrounded by a tribe of islanders.

The chief walks to the men and says, ” What do you choose, Death or Boogaloo?” The first man thinks for a second and replies, “I choose Boogaloo”.

The chief smiles and the tribe begins to chant “boogaloo, boogaloo, boogaloo”. The chief takes the man, bends him over and f**ks him up the ***.

The second man is horrified at what he has just witnessed and then the chief walks up to him and asks, “You must choose, Death or Boogaloo”?

The man thinks he would rather die than have boogaloo, so he replies, “I choose death”.

The tribe roars in ecstasy and the chief yells, “Death by boogaloo!!!”

1. Seven Inches

He was sitting on his own in a restaurant when he saw a beautiful woman at another table. He sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent him a note: “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants.” So he wrote back: “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I’m not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

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Jokes aside, for more, click on first result here

2. Guilty Doctor

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while, he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, “Dave, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go.” But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering “Dave, you’re a vet…”

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Jokes aside, for more, click on first result here

3. Extra Large Condoms

A beautiful woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, “Do you have extra large condoms?” The pharmacist replies, “Yes, aisle 11.” The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, “Do you need some help?” The woman replies, “No, I’m just waiting for somebody to buy some.”

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Jokes aside, for more, click on first result here

4. Hour Versus Lifetime

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. “We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,” she said. “Ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, “Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”

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Jokes aside, for more, click on first result here

5. Midnight Emergency

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. “Please, you have to come right over,” pleaded the distraught young mother. “My child has swallowed a contraceptive.” The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again. “You don’t have to come over after all,” the woman said with a sigh of relief. “My husband just found another one.”

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Jokes aside, for more, click on first result here

6. Need a Flashlight?

A man and a woman were feeling a little frisky, so they decided to sneak off into a dark forest. After finding a good spot, they started having sex. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn it, I really wish I had a flashlight!”

The woman says, “I wish you did, too – you’ve been eating grass for the past 10 minutes!”

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Jokes aside, for more, click on first result here

7. Vivid Dreams

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”

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Jokes aside, for more, click on first result here

8. Las Vegas Salary

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.

“I’m going to Las Vegas,” she says. “You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs and comes back down with his suitcase packed as well. “Where do you think you going?” the wife asks.

“I’m coming with you; I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!”

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Jokes aside, for more, click on first result here

9. Six Shots

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender inquires.

“I want six shots of tequila,” responded the young man.

“Six shots? Are you celebrating something?”

“Yeah, my first blowjob.”

“Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh on the house.”

“No offense, sir, but if six shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.”

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Jokes aside, for more, click on first result here

10. Eating bananas

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”

Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

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Jokes aside, for more, click on first result here